This may sound too easy, or too hard... depends I guess xD
One day I nearly had some kind of breakdown. I was in a loop of thoughts along the lines of "tulpamancy is a waste of time. She isn't real. You're just going to make a madman out our yourself" and so on.
Then and there I "just" decided and said "stop! I'm not wasting my time. She will be there my whole life. I will not give her up!"
I decided not worry anymore at all. No worries about progress. No pressure for me, no pressure for Milena.
Now we just roll with what comes. And I'll be treating everything as normal.
I feel like a ton of weight has been lifted and we're happier than ever ^^
I hope this helps... even if it's just in small ways ^^
@thegeht I guess the main thing for me is the underlying fear that if I let go of doubt I might be susceptible to delusions or something. I mean, tulpamancy does break a lot of walls set up over the years in regards to this sort of thing, especially since I viewed plurality in a very different light before finding this.
@Towaka ~暗い~ I've also had that fear... I feared I might go completely bonkers, that I might lose all of my sanity at some point.
But so far... I haven't xD
I don't feel insane, I don't feel like I'm losing my sanity anymore.
And the important thing for me is, I am still in control of what I want to believe. I might not be in control of Milena (which is good, because she can do her own thing :D), but that doesn't mean I have to let go of whatever control I have left over myself.
Sorry, it's hard to get really clear on this sort of stuff, but can you say what your current experiences are like contrasted to what they would feel like if they felt different from you?
12:01 PM
Or what sort of signs you are looking for that would tell you that your tulpas are not you?
I used to think that the tactile and presence imposition, as well as the very basic possession (nothing more than coarse arm movements that were not very refined) was something that suggests there is something inside me that resembles a tulpa, but I slowly realized that I could fake all of those things.
As for how she speaks and thinks, it feels like a more cheerful and optimistic me. She cannot surprise me, for one, and I concluded that she is not separate enough from me to surprise me.
12:14 PM
It is stressing me out more and more as time passes.
This is something that a lot of people run into after a while when they make tulpas.
12:21 PM
I will say that you should keep in mind that these are my beliefs, and may very well be unfounded and incorrect, and you shouldn't take them as law, but I do believe that what you are experiencing is the "ugly ignored truth" of tulpamancy.
When you make a tulpa, when you start, it is often phrased as a very strong "thing you build in your head "that thinks separately from you, and I imagine this is what you are and were expecting from tulpamancy.
12:22 PM
Instead, progress with tulpamancy is akin to progress in delusion, or I prefer to call it abstraction or "construction of experiences". You are not making a person in your head, you are re-arranging your worldviews and building up things that allow you to cast your own thoughts in a light such that they feel that they come from somebody else.
12:23 PM
In that sense, what you are describing, a "more cheerful and optimisitic me" is the core of what a lot of tulpamancy is.
12:25 PM
except that more cheerful and optimistic me is paired with the training and practice in your head that leaves you feeling as if that state of mind is not "you" but comes from another person or identity or whatever else.
12:26 PM
This is not what tulpamancy is often phrased as, but it is my belief that this is what tulpamancy is. However, others will disagree.
12:26 PM
From that point of view, it is very possible that you just need to force more and your tulpa will start speaking to you and come out of the woodwork.(edited)
I think the natural conclusion would then be "if this mental illness, which I'm still suffering from and can't cure, ruined my experience with my previous tulpa, I probably shouldn't make another."
For me it's kind of the opposite. My host (Johannes) had a complex over what if he forgot about me when he got more involved with outside people, so to combat that we spent more time together interacting when we were alone. He also told me more about his friends, talked to me about them to get through problems (what gift should he get them? are they mad at him? etc) & used possession for me to interact with them. (I can act like him well enough to pass.)
12:52 AM
Were there factors like that, where there were triggers for those thoughts? Like friends, work, etc?
so, I called him into the headspace and I got a very deep set of feelings from him. im not sure what to make of it all just yet, but I don't hate him anymore, for sure
5:13 AM
I get the feeling he has very clear situational awareness, but isn't quite there yet as far as sentience goes
5:14 AM
he also feels a lot more like what I thought a tulpa would feel like, rather than a full "voice"
5:14 AM
so I might have accidentally made a second tulpa
5:17 AM
but he felt to me like he didn't mean to cause trouble and wasn't intentionally being malicious
If he's not sentient and you don't want to keep him around it is best to get rid of him before he does become sentient. If he sticks around for awhile it is likely he will become sentient
10:05 PM
There is a major difference between getting rid of a character/imaginary friend or a tulpa in terms of ethics
It's entirely up to you whether you get rid of him
12:25 AM
You would do so by ignoring him, a thought deprived of all attention goes away eventually. If he sticks around despite attempts to get rid of him that means you were wrong in assuming he isn't sentient
12:26 AM
In that case you should definitely keep him around
The thing to ask yourself is whether or not you would be ok with a new tulpa right now
12:34 AM
If he's already sentient, keep him. If he's not sentient and you'd be ok with a new tulpa, keep him. If he's not sentient and you're not ok with a new tulpa, don't keep him.
12:34 AM
Because sooner or later he will become sentient if you keep him around
